


they're probably singing right now

by Shadowcrawler



Category: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV)
Genre: Asexual Character, F/F, Femslash, Gen, Humor, Pre-Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D., References To Kinky Sex, sex repulsed character
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-15
Updated: 2015-01-15
Packaged: 2018-03-07 16:39:54
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,195
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3177223
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Shadowcrawler/pseuds/Shadowcrawler
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Excerpts from the personal records of one willfully oblivious Leopold Fitz, who doesn't want to know anything about his best friend's sex life, thank you very much.</p>
            </blockquote>





	they're probably singing right now

**Author's Note:**

> Well, I had this idea waaaaaay back in season 1, and wrote a lot of down, and then it got buried in a notebook somewhere and I only just remembered it. The idea of Jemma having dated Natasha while at SHIELD Academy just makes me happy, and the idea of Fitz being at first accidentally oblivious and then very willfully so is hilarious to me. Also ace!Fitz is a hill I will die on, until the canon explicitly proves me otherwise.
> 
> Obviously, this disregards Fitz being in love with Jemma. The canon's gone there, but I don't have to, because it sort of spoils the joke, I think.
> 
> (Title is from the musical episode of Buffy, because, uh, innuendo?)

_Today Jemma and I gave a talk about our progress with the night-night gun. She wouldn’t let me call it that in front of everyone, but I think it’s a perfectly suitable name. Everyone seemed impressed, just like I knew they’d be, and afterwards we found out the craziest thing. Agent Romanov_ herself _was in the audience! She came up to us afterward to ask some questions about it. I almost had a bloody heart attack and I thought Jemma might faint. Romanov’s terrifying, but you want to impress her. And she definitely seemed impressed by us._

 _Actually, she and Jemma seemed to get on well. They stayed to talk, even after I had to leave for class. Jemma’s always been friendlier than me though, specially with girls. Ah well, getting a compliment from_ the _Agent Romanov’s worth bragging rights if nothing else._

\--- _  
_

_Jemma hasn’t come home till quite late sometimes, recently. Maybe it’s been going on for a couple weeks, I don’t know. I wouldn’t care except her coming in usually wakes me up, which I know she feels bad about, but I can’t help that I'm a light sleeper. When I asked her about where she's been, she just smiled and said, “Oh, I’m out with a friend.” I can’t think what friends would keep her out till those hours on a school night, but she seems happier than usual. Not that she’s not usually happy, but she's REALLY happy. I caught her humming to herself while cataloging data on our hybrid flies this morning. She smiles constantly._

_I wonder what her oxytocin levels are. Purely a scientific curiosity, of course._

\--- _  
_

_I noticed today that Jemma’s been wearing a necklace with a gold spider pendant on it. She said it was a gift, and she kept playing with it. I’ve never seen her do that before. She fidgets sometimes, but usually with her hair or a pencil or something. It’s a very expensive-looking necklace. If she’s got a boyfriend, I just hope she doesn’t bring him round for sex. I’ve got a delicate constitution, she KNOWS that._

\--- _  
_

_Mystery solved! I was writing up a lab report earlier this evening and Jemma was in the shower when someone knocked at the door. “Damn it all!” I heard Jemma yell. “Fitz, can you get that? I’ll be out in a few minutes! Tell her to make herself comfortable!”_

_Confused as all hell, I opened the door to find Agent bloody Romanov standing there! I looked an idiot, I’m sure. Mouth flopped open like a fish. “Hi,” she said, smiling. “Is Jemma there?”_

_I managed to say something and gesture to Jemma’s bed, which was miraculously not buried in textbooks and papers like it normally is. The water had stopped by this point and Jemma called, “Hi Tasha! Sorry, I’ll be out in just a tic. Got tied up in a project and lost track of time.”_

_Romanov smiled. “It’s fine!” she called back, then turned to me. “Feel free to pretend I’m not here. You were working, sorry to interrupt.”_

_I sat down at my desk so hard I might have jarred my spine._

_When Jemma came out of the bathroom, wearing some sparkly dress thing that I’d never seen on her before, I couldn’t help but glance up. She grinned even bigger than she had when she arrived at a solution for her killer final project last term, and walked over to Romanov. And kissed her._

_SHE KISSED HER._

_My best friend kissed SHIELD Agent and Avenger Natasha Romanov, right in front of me._

_So that’s where the necklace came from, I guess._

\--- _  
_

_Jemma’s been wearing a lot of turtleneck jumpers lately. I suppose it has been getting colder. When she runs out of turtlenecks, she uses scarves. I haven’t seen her wear scarves before, really, but at least some of them look fancy, so maybe Romanov’s buying them for her._

_Someone asked her about the jumper she was wearing yesterday and she laughed nervously and reached up to adjust the neck, like she wanted to be sure it was covering something. She even wears them in the room sometimes. I’d better ask around and see if the heating’s working in our building._

\--- _  
_

_I never wanted to see Jemma’s underthings. I’ve gone to great lengths to AVOID seeing Jemma’s underthings whenever possible._

_To be fair, she’s been in a bit of a tizzy this week – one of her group experiments is proving more complicated than she thought and she’s barely had an hour to do laundry. Thus her clothes are thrown into a pile haphazardly on the floor, rather than tastefully hidden in the closet hamper like a civilized person. Something ended up on top that’s pink and lacey and I don’t even want to_ glance _at it, it just feels indecent._

_Finally I threw one of her sweaters over top of it. It was making it difficult to work._

\--- _  
_

_When Jemma was making her bed this morning, I saw a pair of handcuffs under her pillow. She obviously didn’t want me to see them – when she caught me looking, she turned bright red and began stammering about how she’d purchased them as a joke, a side project, about how we might end up needing to know how to escape from a pair of handcuffs someday._

_I’m choosing to believe her, although I’m fairly sure standard-issue handcuffs aren’t red leather._

_\---  
_

_There’s a crate of ropes in Jemma’s closet. Silk ropes. I hope to God she’s suddenly taken an interest in knot tying and enrolled in some kind of hands-on course. They have those here, don’t they? They’d have to. We’re going to be SPIES for Christ’s sake._

_I’m also not quite sure what the choker necklace I spotted on her nightstand about a week ago is for, since that ball seems quite large and unseemly to wear around one’s neck in public. But I’ve never understood jewelry, I suppose._

_\---_

_Valentine’s Day is always irritating, but even more so when your roommate’s actually dating someone. Romanov left a gigantic bouquet of roses in the room on Jemma’s desk today, along with a wrapped box. Jemma blushed and giggled and got as far as unwrapping the box – which said LELO on the side, I couldn't tell if that was some kind of brand name for perfume or what – and lifting the lid before she turned an even darker shade and refused to tell me what was inside._

_It definitely wasn’t perfume, but I choose to cling to the comforting lie._

_\---  
_

_Oh my god. I definitely just saw more of Jemma AND Romanov than I ever wanted to._

_We’d never bothered to make up a code for “having sex in here, bugger off” because I assumed we wouldn’t NEED it. The next time I see Jemma I’ll_

_No, no I won’t. I’ll have to get those images out of my head first. At least they seemed to be enjoying themselves??? I didn’t even know bodies could bend like that. Not to mention, I don’t know how that even fit in_

_Oh god I’m going to go do some NICE CALMING EQUATIONS NOW. And possibly shower in bleach._


End file.
